Friday, September 9, 2011

Christian Scientists calculate the date of "The Fall"

Christian researchers today announced what has been described as “the greatest discovery in historical chronology since Bishop Ussher defined the exact moment of Creation.” Ussher’s analysis, showing that creation of the entire universe occurred in the week following Saturday night of the 22nd October 4004 BC, raised an important question that has only now been answered:

When exactly did “The Fall” occur?

Speaking at today’s press conference lead researcher Francis Conway Miller described how his team used a combination of sophisticated biblical analysis and the latest scientific techniques to narrow down the range of dates in which ‘The Fall’ – the exact moment when God expelled Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden, could have occurred.

“Frankly, I’m shocked” stated Conway Miller.

“We knew that Adam lived until 3074 BC, reaching the age of 930, but until now it wasn’t clear how old he was when he and Eve ate the fruit of the tree”

Conway Miller explained that the difficulty for biblical scientists was in the interpretation of Genesis 2:19-20

“Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field”

“Basically he had to name all the animals. I think you can see the problem. It’s hard enough to do this as a twenty year old studying zoology, but remember, Adam was only two days old when he began!”

“Of course you can say, “what’s the problem, he had another 930 years to finish the task”, but let's think logically here, is it really likely that a snake would try to talk to a 930 year old human couple! Don’t be ridiculous!”

Conway Miller explained the breakthrough for the research team came when they realized that it was “The Fall” itself that brought death into the world.

“With nothing dying you’re going to get an exponential rise in the number of organisms on the Earth!" "

"It was at this point we figured out that revealing the answer of how long it was from the creation of life until “The Fall” would only require a simple calculation. We just needed to work out how long it would have been for living organisms, because they were not subject to death, to increase to the level where they overwhelmed the earth – or at the very least made the smell in Eden intolerable”

“In terms of biomass and generational times we can basically ignore the complex organisms and answer the question by concentrating on what happens to the bacteria”

According to Conway Miller, bacteria make up half the biomass of the Earth, amounting to approximately 280 billion tonnes in weight.

“Using a very conservative estimate of one doubling per day we find that the bacterial population will increase to a mass greater than that of the entire planet in less than 45 days! Can you imagine the stench! It’s no wonder the serpent offered the fruit! He must have been gagging!”

“Obviously it wouldn’t have reached the 45 days point – the bacteria would have run out of nutrients and water long before that, but that at least puts an upper time limit to the garden of Eden period. Realistically speaking, we can scientifically conclude that the incident of the snake talking to Eve could have occurred no later than a month after the creation of life – giving us a latest date of the 22nd of November 4004 BC”

“I suppose you might say that it was rather harsh for God to punish Adam and Eve like that when they were only a month old, but who, after all, are we to question His mysterious ways!”


Ray said...

Ussher figured it must have happened the same day they were created.

Austin said...

It's always hard to judge whether these people are being seriously delusional or very funny

Anonymous said...

Isn't it cute how that piece is so full of anti-Semitism without trying to show it off?

The whole purpose of Ussher's calculation was to show the Jews have its wrong--the Jewish calendar starts at when their tradition says creation happened and is a few centuries different than Ussher's date. And then, Jews teach that sexual procreation only began after the fall (actually I thought Christians believed that too, but apparently not), so there's another one in the eye of those wily Jews.

Hugh said...

“With nothing dying you’re going to get an exponential rise in the number of organisms on the Earth!"
Someone's been watching Torchwood: Miracle Day.

Sigmund said...

Anonymous, you silly arse.
Making light of logical contradictions in the standard creationist interpretation of the Adam and Eve tale is not anti-Semitic. And learn the difference between asexual reproduction and sexual reproduction. And go and do the former.