Friday, January 9, 2009

Surprise as entire population of Gaza converts to Judaism

Today’s announcement that the population of Gaza has en mass converted to Judaism has prompted a hurried response from Israeli government spokesman, Ari Levi.
“Quite frankly we’re shocked” explained Mr Levi. “Obviously this might affect matters somewhat. We’re going to think this one through for a while and get back to you”

Palestinian spokesman Abraham Cohen (formerly Mohammed Al-Bagrani) had earlier explained events leading up to today’s unexpected developments.
“The population in Gaza has endured years of confinement, destitution and isolation. People were forbidden to leave their premises, couldn’t visit friends and were even deprived of television as power generators were destroyed by Israeli missiles.
In this situation there is but one activity to pass the time and maintain the peoples spirit - namely reading!
Sadly however, after four decades the one inevitability we all feared eventually came to pass.
We ran out of books!
Desperation set in as people resorted to ingredient lists on food packaging, telephone directories and, as things turned particularly grim, mobile phone instruction guides.
Then, just last week, by a 'miraculous' stroke of luck a recent consignment of aid arriving from the United States was found to contain not food or medicine, but a large package of books from a kind charitable group called the Gideon corporation!
We managed to distribute these books throughout Gaza five days ago and the entire population, starved of all literature for weeks, began simultaneously reading the same book, which is entitled ‘The Holy Bible'.

At first, what with the talking snake, that guy living in the whale and the whole ‘every animal in the world fits onto a single boat’ bit, we naturally assumed it was a comedy. The laughs provided by these sections certainly cheered many a small child, wearied by long days of cowering under kitchen tables from flying shrapnel or helping pick up their brothers and sisters from school - or at least pieces of them.

However comedy it is not, and soon the tragic side of the Bible story began to be revealed.
One section in particular struck such a chord with the Gaza people that a fierce debate soon struck up within the community.
In the tale, called ‘Exodus’, we read of an ancient group of people torn from their land and held captive by a pitiless and unforgiving ruler.
Despite being a story of hardship, malice and slavery it is, yet, a tale of hope!
The refusal of that ruler to negotiate their freedom from bondage sets in train an amazing series of events leading to the entire enslaved population achieving liberty and eventually regaining their promised ancestral land.

The effect of this tale in Gaza was astounding. Almost without exception people began exclaiming that the familiarity of this story could not be coincidental.

A group of people from the land of Palestine…..

Held captive in terrible conditions by stern and unforgiving ruler……

Far from their ancestral homes…..

Not very good with boats…..

There could be but one explanation – the story must refer to us!
And if we, the population of Gaza, are indeed God’s chosen people we face the logical conclusion of this scenario….

We must also be Jewish!

It was at this moment it all fell into place, our destiny as Gods chosen people was clear and thus the collective decision was taken to return to our true religion and promised land”

Israeli government spokesman, Ari Levi, responding to reporter’s questions clarified some of the implications of today’s announcements.
“Well yes, this does mean, like all Jews, they do now have the right to become Israeli citizens and move to their national homeland - it’s just that numbers of this magnitude are not quite what we’re used to”
“I think, however, the idea that they will all suddenly decide to move here now is purely speculative and unwarranted”.

Gaza spokesman Cohen confirmed this final point.
“Its true. No decision has yet been taken on where to move to, nor indeed on what we do when we reach there.
So far we’ve only read as far as the ‘wandering in the wilderness for forty years’ part.
I’ve heard rumours we’ll go to Jericho, Kab and Rimmon and maybe meet the Amorites and Gibeonites but please, don’t tell me.
I just hate it when someone spoils a good story by giving away the surprise ending.”

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