Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Public warned against accidental Palin release

Native Alaskan Palins in the wild

Officials from the Department of the Interior, Fish and Wildlife branch, today issued a stern warning to the public over the dangers posed by accidental release of non-native species.

Free from their natural predators these creatures rapidly multiply in numbers, causing devastating consequences to their new environment through sheer weight of numbers.

“We’d like everyone to be extra vigilant in the coming months as we’ve been warned that there is a chance that a family of Alaskan Palins might somehow get loose on the east coast", explained Fred Kite, departmental pest control expert.

Due to low numbers of the Palins only known natural enemy, the polar bear, and free to avail of copious supplies of food stored in pork barrel warehouses throughout the capital, the Palin’s would be able to breed unchecked.

“Palins multiply like rabbits," explained Mr Kite, "although that’s more the fault of the Alaskan school system. They probably need better maths teachers”

“While the initial figure of , say, six or seven doesn’t sound too bad, Palins actually increase exponentially so we are looking at several hundred by next year and a couple of million Palins at the end of four.”

Previous attempts at population control involving wildlife officers throwing handfuls of condoms and birth control pills at the family were abandoned due to the danger of choking the local polar bears. Following last ditch efforts by educational authorities to teach responsible sex education being unfortunately thwarted by the Governor insisting the idea of sexual intercourse causes babies is "simply a theory, not a proven fact - were you there?" most Alaskan natives had resigned themselves to living as best they could alongside their local Palins.

“I can’t believe anyone would release Palins in their own backyard” said Tom Kenmore, the sole surviving Alaskan democrat.

“McCain did what? You are joking, right?”

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