Friday, September 19, 2008

White House Press Secretary "eaten by wolves"

The White House has just confirmed that partially eaten human remains discovered this morning on the floor of the Oval office are those of missing White House press secretary, Helen Rodkins.
Security chief Dan Shilhoff told gathered reporters "the preliminary autopsy found signs of animal activity, most likely wolves, although these injuries were probably inflicted after death." Shilhoff explained the wolves were scavenge feeding on the body but were frightened away by the arrival of Vice President Cheney.

Asked to speculate about the actual cause of Rodkins death Shilhoff said "we can't be sure, but from the hoofmarks its looking like Helen was just unfortunate and disturbed a female moose guarding her calf".

Shilhoff was, however, able to explain the pellet marks on the face of the unfortunate victim - "That was Cheney. We think he was aiming for the wolves".

President Bush at work yesterday

The news of the incident, already dubbed 'wolfygate', is sure to raise further questions about the recent decision to stock the White House with North American forest wildlife.

While the buildup, over the past two weeks, has gone almost unremarked in press or TV coverage, rumors have been spreading of discontent amongst political staff unused to working alongside the herds of moose and caribou. The arrival of the carnivores, flown to the nations capital on the recently modified Air Force One has, however, precipitated the greatest compaints.

One source, speaking off the record told us "Look, don't get me wrong, I like animals as much as the next man, the trouble is the guy across the hall just had his leg torn off by a grizzly."

Republican party officials have meanwhile released a statement denouncing the letter of condolence to Ms Rodkins family sent by Senator Obama.

"The American public has been shown yet again there is no depth to which Senator Obama will not sink in his doomed attempt to claw his way to the White House.

Where was Senator Obama when Ms Rodkins was cornered in the Oval office by an angry female moose?

Was he there? Or was he addressing a highschool assembly in Cleveland?

And where was Senator Obama when Ms Rodkins lifeless corpse was being torn apart in front of the Presidents desk by a pack of ravenous wolves?

Was he there? Or was he visiting a cancer hospice in Indianapolis?

Senator Obama, by cynically playing politics on this sad occasion, demonstrates to the American public just how unsuitable he is for the current White House.

While the democrats try to distract the public with side issues like the imminent collapse of the economy, the crisis in social security, healthcare and energy and the thousands of needless deaths in Iraq and likelihood of thousands more with the impending plans for an invasion of Iran, we have continually taken the higher ground by raising the tone of the debate and concentrating on the really important questions such as 'Did Obama call Govenor Palin a pig?'

The American electorate deserve a team of ability, experience and integrity. But more than that they need a presidential team that can handle the very real dangers of todays White House, - dangers clearly shown by Ms Rodkins brave sacrifice in the line of duty.

They deserve a team that knows how to deal with an angry grizzly at full charge.

A team that can hold off a pack of wolves until helicopters arrive with backup.

And most importantly a team that can field dress a moose on the White House lawn when the Queen of England attends a Presidential garden party.

The American public will realize that when their phone goes off at 3.00AM telling them that a pack of rabid wolves, in league with a bear and a moose, have broken into their house and are about to feast on their children, there's really only one presidential team, armed with just a semi-automatic hunting rifle, a snowmobile and a fighter plane of napalm, that can save them.
And they will vote accordingly


Karen James said...

Dear Sneer

You make my day. Every day.

Thank you.


Karen James said...

P.S. Ever thought of getting paid to write for the Onion?

MartinC said...

Thanks for the kind words Karen.
This blog is just an excuse for me to practice my terrible photoshopping techniques.