Monday, August 25, 2008

Rapture Protection Act Sparks Evangelical Protests

Transport and health officials throughout the nation have warned the public to expect some delays in the coming weeks as the Federal Rapture Protection Act (FRPA) comes into effect.

Federal Aviation spokesman Tom Wesley pointed out that while the new requirements for US registered airlines to ensure all flight crews are ‘rapture compliant’ will necessitate some initial difficulties for airlines, the measures, when fully implemented, will result in huge improvements in passenger safety. As Mr Wesley notes “modern air traffic requires key workers to remain at their posts throughout the flight and only full implementation of the FRPA can ensure this.”

The act mandates airlines to ensure flight crews contain at least one member who will remain at the controls in the event of the rapture. This event, imminently expected by up to 50% of the US public, is expected to result in all ‘rapture ready’ individuals being summoned to heaven, without warning. Those liable for rapture will drop whatever they are doing and immediately fly upwards towards heaven where, following arrival they will reside for eternity with their Lord, Jesus Christ.

Going, going, gone.

Luckily, Mr Wesley notes, “rapture readiness in a pilot, while extremely dangerous for both airline passengers and the public living or working beneath the plane’s flight path, is easily identifiable. Those at high rapture risk are almost exclusively born again Christians who have accepted Jesus into their lives. A simple, multiple point questionnaire asking whether the Earth is less than 10,000 years old, whether dinosaurs lived with Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, is the Pope is an agent of Lucifer and finally should all liberal, evolution believing, God-hating communist sodomites expect to burn in hell for eternity, will safely and securely identify those at risk with an accuracy of over 99%.”

In addition to flight crew changes the FRPA will also ensure that other key posts such as air traffic control and refueling crews are also ‘rapture compliant’. “Its better to be safe than sorry” points out Mr Wesley.

Although the FRPA was initially aimed purely at improving air safety, legislators have amended the bill to include many other sectors of the workplace facing similar risks.

The most controversial part of the act, the employment ban of high rapture risk bus or train drivers was only included as part of a compromise that allows born again surgeons or anaesthesiologists to keep working, so long as at least one member of the operating team is a hell bound sinner.

The National Community of Evangelicals, meeting in crisis session, today released a joint statement regarding the imminent implementation of the FRPA.

The NCE deplores the actions of Congress in passing the FRPA, a poorly thought out piece of legislation that is discriminatory in the extreme against honest, God-worshiping Americans. It is certainly true that we teach our flocks the rapture may occur at any moment, however we greatly dispute the implied safety implications of this event on the public infrastructure. While the instantaneous transport of a full flight crew to the arms of Jesus might have important consequences for the remaining passengers, it is far from the nightmarish scenario painted by the supporters of this act. Need we remind congress that at least 25% of these passengers would also be taken up by Jesus? Indeed, over many parts of the nation the total annihilation of entire towns due to an unexpected ‘rapture stop’ would result in minimal loss of life due to the simultaneous upwards flight of the god-fearing local populace.

Most importantly we must remind congress that the belief in the rapture is but one of a several kinds of ‘truth’. The ‘truth’ of the rapture is more like that of Jonah living in the belly of a whale, Noah keeping dinosaurs on the ark or Jesus coming back from the dead and flying up to heaven - in contrast to other ‘truths’ - such as the critical importance of tithing 10% (gross) of your salary to the church. Let’s just say so long as congregants keep up with the second sort we’ll go easy on the former.

In related developments the security implications of the FRPA have been starkly illustrated by the military’s announcement of its intent to equip every foxhole with an atheist.

"Just in case".


Karen James said...

While this post focuses on the very serious safety implications of the rapture (to which I would add the danger of the many millions of suddenly empty mini-vans on the roads), it also raises some potential positives for those left behind.

For example, upon rapture, there will suddenly be a glut of millions of fully furnished, uninhabited luxury homes (including prime loft conversions inside abandoned churches), vacancies in high-paying jobs, orphan bank accounts, etc.

Can you provide some hints and tips on how your readers might maximise their prospects in the post-rapture redistribution of wealth?

Karen James said...

Oh, and perhaps we should set up some emergency animal shelters for the pets of the raptured - poor dears.

MartinC said...

I guess you could try moving next door to a Flanders-like clan, Karen, ready to take over their pad when they whoosh up to heaven. Then again, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it to occur in the very near future.