Prison authorities at the Federal Correctional Institution, Edgefield, South Carolina, today admitted surprise over last nights dramatic breakout by the incarcerated 'creation scientist' Kent Hovind, the notorious ‘Lizardman of Pensacola’. Hovind, in the second year of a ten year sentence for tax fraud, is believed to have broken through both his cell wall and the prison perimeter during the daring escape attempt.
Escape bid caught on traffic camera
Dramatic images of Hovind fleeing in a north-westerly direction, were captured by a traffic camera in downtown Greenville, leading to the FBI issuing an all points bulletin, requesting vigilance from the public.
“We warn the public not to approach Mr Hovind, or his ‘lizard’ should they see them, and would like to request all fruit and nut retailers to report any suspiciously large coconut orders”.
“Frankly, we’re shocked” claimed Edgefield prison warden warden Bob Schultz.
“Mr Hovind always kept to himself. We never suspected a thing.
It’s true we allowed him, like many of the other prisoners, to keep a small pet, in his case a lizard, in his cell, but unfortunately this policy will have to be reviewed if it’s shown to have contributed to the escape”.
Warden Schultz is facing heavy criticism for ignoring Mr Hovind’s claim that the bible explains that lizards are only an early stage of a much larger, coconut eating, animal.
“Yes, yes, we’ve all heard Kents dinosaur theory but seriously, how were we supposed to know it was true!”
Convicted multiple murderer, Kyle Tye, the occupant of the cell opposite Mr Hovinds has accused the prison staff of incompetence for allowing the situation to develop.
“They shouldn’t have let him feed it coconuts”, he explains.
“My God, haven’t they watched Hovind’s videos?
Tye claims that most of the inmates on Hovinds floor were freely sharing their monthly coconut ration with Hovind.
“It wasn’t exactly friendship, we hoped it would eat him”
Federal authorities suspect Hovind may be heading for the Creation Museum at the Kentucky-Ohio border.
“We need to get him before he reaches there” said one FBI officer who wished to remain anonymous. “With so many nutty wingbats wandering around that place it’s the perfect location for him to hide out. If he manages to get in we'll never find him!”
The Trump administration’s “alternative facts” - These clips and articles show two things: a). the Trump administration’s willingness to lie when convenient, and then dissimulate and waffle when caught on...
10 hours ago