Yet again, we, the editorial team at the Sneer Review, present an exclusive. One of our intrepid reporters has managed to get hold of a copy of the actual lecture notes left behind on the stage after the recent and highly contentious Gaines Symposium debate at the University of Kentucky between evolutionary biologist Professor Jerry Coyne and Catholic theologian John Haught.
Despite Professor Coyne's performance at the debate bringing unity and agreement amongst all strands of the New Atheist community, the notes themselves reveal just how close Professor Haught was to bringing up the one topic that more than any other, threatens to destroy the atheist community!
With great trepidation we, the assembled editorial team of The Sneer Review, are proud to announce the greatest advance in the practical exposition of religious knowledge since the invention of the printing press – the Metaphorical Illuminator. For many years, despite the many advances made possible by the increase in human knowledge since the enlightenment, the role and value of religion has remained a contentious point for one reason: the lack of a means of distinguishing within scriptural texts, the historical facts from the poetic metaphors. While practically every religious group agrees, amongst their own brethren, at least, that their sacred book contains both literal fact and non-literal metaphor, their existed no agreed methodology to tell which was which. Many of the great schisms of the major faiths could have been avoided if only they had what is now in our possession – the ‘Metaphorical Illuminator’. The Illuminator, the culmination of ten years of dedicated work by the Sneer Review Theological Institute (kindly supported by a grant from the Templetown foundation), at last provides a foolproof mechanism to determine which parts of a holy scripture are possibly historical and which are definitely metaphorical.
As a demonstration of the power of the Metaphorical Illuminator we have now processed the most important scriptural text of Roman Catholicism, the worlds largest Christian denomination – namely the Nicene, or Apostle’s Creed - revealing once and for all the historical and poetic aspects to the primary statement of faith of this religion.
I believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended into hell; on the third day he rose again from the dead; he ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty; from there he will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Amen
Processed by the ’Metaphorical Illuminator’
I believe in a metaphor, the metaphor, A metaphor of a metaphor and earth, and in Jesus Christ, his metaphor, our metaphor, who was metaphored by a metaphor, born of the metaphored Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he metaphored into a metaphor; on the third day he metaphored; he metaphored into a metaphor, and is a metaphor at the metaphor of a metaphor; from there he will metaphor and metaphor. I believe in a metaphor, the metaphorical catholic Church, the communion of metaphors, the forgiveness of metaphors, the metaphor of the body, and life metaphorical. Ametaphor
Although an upcoming technical paper on the Metaphorical Illuminator will describe in detail how the technique works we can reveal that it is primarily based on the application of a simple textual algorithm: “If the action described would sound completely crazy if applied to any religion that is not your own, then that section is a metaphor”