Tuesday, June 24, 2008

God Converts to Atheism

In a rapidly breaking story we are hearing reports that God, the creator of heaven and earth, the all seeing, all knowing, maker of all things, has just announced he has become an atheist.

"Quite frankly its the only logical option" God explained to our reporter, "this question of evil, I mean, like how is that supposed to work?". "I'm supposed to be the source of all things so I have to be the source of evil too, don't I? Since I know everything that happens in the universe, both past and present then its only logical that this means I created some people knowing that they would do evil and end up burning in hell for all eternity tortured by Lucifer."

"Who I also made!"

"Why did I make him? He's been nothing but trouble from the very beginning.
Wouldn't it have made more sense not to put that blasted tree in the garden of Eden with him sitting in the bloody thing? Of course it would! Yet apparently that was the best plan I could think of at the time, and believe me I had long enough to work it out."

"And whats all this nonsense about the Trinity, Noah's Ark and all these silly rules about pork, shellfish and stoning various moral transgressors. For My sake, read the bible, I supposedly killed nearly every single man woman and child on the planet because I was in a bad mood.
Am I really the ideal source of moral wisdom? I don't think so. "

"And what about all the others ? Allah, Visnu, Horus, Zeus and the rest. Isn't there just as much evidence for them as or me? Obviously there are incentives not to worship them but the staff on Earth have been a little slow in implementing them in recent years"

God went on to introduce his new spokesman, George, who has just joined the staff and whose advice prompted God to make his current bold move.
"George's points were crucial in helping me see the error of my previous ways. Its the 21st century now, I shouldn't really be still smiting sinners left right and center, like I really know what I'm doing, and acting as if I'm the paragon of all virtue. Who the hell do I think I am ?
Bill Donahue?"

George has now taken over the important role of speaking to God's representatives on earth.
Mr Carlin, after saying hello to the gathered reporters, announced he'd just sent a few words to Pat Robertson.

Seven, to be precise.